FEELINGS VI

As i was writing the addresses to whom the invites had to be sent, the first name that came to mind was of Varun Ravindranath. It had been 4 years since we had talked.He was my best bud in company but then an event occurred which changed all 3 of our lives-Priya's,his and mine.

1st January 2010:
It had been 5 months since i had joined the company.I had made a few friends among whom Varun had become really close.He was a complex character.His motto in life was to work hard and party even harder.Having various interests such as lawn tennis,puzzle solving and rest,he was a dynamic character.Being a pub freak he scored over many girls.All the bouncers and bartenders knew him by his name.The bugger used to go and work in the night on his computer so that he was ready for tomorrow's tasks in an half drunken state(God knows how he did that).

There was 7 members in our team and majority among them were party animals.The conservative being Stuthi and me.Varun had compelled me to join them while going to Parkinson's or Blue Sprinkle but i used to get away with one reason always-that i had to go back to my home to waiting parents and he to a sloppily kept room and (if he got lucky a beautiful damsel from a party).So one day he did finally get me to go to Blue Sprinkle.As my parents had gone on a tour to Munnar,i relented.Priya and other girl's gang had also joined us which i was a little uncomfortable with.

I used to call Priya as Seth as i was cynical about her showing off her 'Bade Baap ki Beti' attitude.
Since i had never visited a pub before in my life,i had all kinds of negative preconceptions about the concept called pub and the people visiting it(specially the girls).The images of doped and wasted boys and girls conjured up a evil notion about all things 'pub'.In front of the pub door-the bouncer said it was a couple's only night.Varun tried hard to influence the bouncer but that night even the bouncer was not party to any favours being doled out.

But as Varun was so insistent on me going into a pub atleast once,he requested Rammy(Rahul because he had rammed his car into other cars umpteen times while parking)to make way for me as there were only 3 girls and 4 boys.Rammy being Rammy agreed(such an angel).Priya and me entered as a pair.I could feel Varun laughing his lungs out seeing my palpable nervousness and uncomfortableness.

Although thick,I had never told Varun about my previous brushes with love.For him i was just an average Joe from an orthodox family with strong traditional ethos.His parents were divorced and i could understand his sarcasm about everything 'commitment'.

Inside the pub i was surprised to see Priya not boozing.Varun told that she never used to booze but used to only accompany her friends as her mother was very strict about it.That friday night news about a pub attack in mangalore by some hoodlums on young girls was all over the news.I could feel a palpable sense of agreement on most male chauvinists who want girls or women to be limited in their freedom.I sadly was one of them at that time.

The next day there was a small event in our company as an extension of the new year celebrations.Surprisingly our manager had organized a debate that day.The topic:Are pubs anti-indian.Chits were picked.Priya and me were the ones picked.We were given 2 minutes to prepare.I picked 'for' the topic.

Me:Pubs are anti-indian.It was a never part of our culture.It is that part of corrupt western culture which we have inherited.Boys and girls are in an inebriated state and anything can happen to susceptible girls there.

Priya:i can only laugh at the narrow viewpoint of my friend here.Shows how much of a male chauvinist he is.(Moderator interrupts:no personal abuse please!).Sorry!but in my opinion if boys are the erring party then stop boys from going to pubs,why always target girls and oppress them.

Me:See let them ban pubs itself.Lot of unethical things go on there.My big problem is underage kids enter such places and spend money which is their father's hard earned money.

This led to a series of caustic remarks against each other and lot of bad blood.As i was a non-smoker i asked one of my colleagues from smoking as there was a law against it now even in office spaces.Priya pitched in to defend that guy asking as to why i had a problem with everything.I reprimanded her for not following rules ever,"antisocial bitch".She screamed a lot and let loose a host of expletives.

Now with this obvious hatred for each other,we were flustered when we were picked together for an onsite project to San Jose,California for a period of 6 months.

19th March 2010:McClellan-Palomar airport,California:
The Air-India plane landed at the airport and Rubens Peters our associate head had come to pick us.He was surprised that the India office had sent people with 10 months experience.We told that as we were working on the same vertical we were sent.He then rode us to the office guest house which he warned was only for a period of one week after which we had to look for our own rooms.As we did not have any of our relatives close by to the San Jose city we had to look for our rooms.Having just joined the company we wanted to save as many as dollars as possible.I was surprised that Priya was very independent minded as she did not want to ask her Dad for anything.

Though belonging to a upper middle class government officer family she used to save up any money given by her relatives so that she could buy her own things.This was the first time our mentalities matched atleast a little.After asking the cab driver for help we realised that rents in that area are very high and would not come within our budgets.The cab driver suggested that we should share a room. I told him we are indians and not americans.But at the end of a week after a lot of searching and contemplation we came to a conclusion that we had to share a room.We got a two-bedroom apartment in Elvin Road with the help of Ruben.

July 23rd 2015:TODAY
I decided that i have to bury the hatchet and went to Varun's house since i had got to know where he stayed from one of our common friends.I rang the bell but no one answered for about 10 minutes.After having waited long i decided to leave and send the invite by post.As i was about to get into my car,"Jatin!!!".I turned back and....

FEELINGS V

It was Bhatta. He had a puzzled look on his face. Divya emerged out from inside. Rain had by then reduced to a drizzle. She dint look at me nor Bhatta and hurried away from there. This probably increased the doubt in Bhatta's mind. He looked around if there was someone else watching. He gave a sigh of relief. With anger in his eye he questioned as to why we had took shelter in this room rather than take cover under trees. "we would have got drenched man,besides there was the danger of coconuts falling on us, look at the breeze".

"I trust you as a friend Jatin,but seeing how Divya went.....".

"Nothing happened,i would not take advantage of any girl,let alone her"

"You are a city boy,i have seen how u people live there,you are very modern people man,but here in village still we have certain values left man,besides you know how it is in villages,each person likes spicy news about others,wants to defame others and they take pride in doing that"

"If they had seen you both coming out,you know how they would be stories going on about u people,our's and your family reputation would have been ruined forever man".

I was sorry for causing anxiety in my two dearest friends.The way Divya had gone from there i was sure i had lost all the trust.The next day i got a chance to redeem myself.Her mom had asked me to go along with her to buy some groceries for a function in their house as Bhatta had to go to temple to conduct the poojas for the day.The tradition there was that the temple ceremonies had to be conducted in round robin fashion by the delegated few families.

In the bus we dint talk only.There was a certain awkwardness.Our hands touched accidently on the seat handles,and there was an immediate withdrawal from her.I could see how sensitive she had become.I wanted to talk about what had happened but dint know how to start. Surprisingly she broke the ice and talked about the function rather than what mattered.There was a deliberate avoidance of that topic whenever i tried to bring it up.While returning back i forced her to get down one stop behind so that we could get a chance to walk the talk.
"Look we need to talk about it,we cant avoid it...I am sorry,the moment was crazy ok and we both got carried away,it had never happened to me before.I know now the equation between us has got complicated"

"equation?"she quipped.
"sorry influence of watching lot of english tv shows". She used to talk very less and most of the conversation was initiated by me.I wanted to tell my hearts "feelings" to her.So i requested her to come and meet me at the backside of the temple day after the function.That was my big fault.I should have told her that i liked her then."Seized the moment" as one of the protagonist says in my favourite FRIENDS show.

FUNCTION:many guests had come to her house.I gave the Bhatta household all the help i could.I returned to my grandma house early.In the night Bhatta's father came visiting.He seemed very happy.He told my grandmother that a very good relation had come for Divya."The boy has settled abroad.His parents were in Bangalore "and various other details which i was not interested in.Grandma was asking other details and reveling in the happiness of her guest unaware of the storm brewing in her grandson's heart.I felt clueless.Was i to commit?what consequences will it have?how will i handle the colourful stories churned out by the gossip hungry villagers?my parents?her parents?oh i would become mad!!

I could not sleep that night The next day was spent contemplating my next move.Bhatta came in the afternoon and asked if we could talk a little away from other's glare.He hugged me and said that he was happy that i had so sensitively handled the situation that evening.He was so happy that he was getting a stud as his brother-in-law.Not able to handle the situation i acted cowardly.I immediately decided to go back to Bangalore and climbed the bus in the night.I din't have the courage to meet Divya in the night.

I fought this decision of mine with my conscience.How could i have stranded her?Sindu had cheated me,i had cheated Divya.Was it justification for me being wronged?.Although she had not talked much,i had seen the love for me in her eyes.Her actions indicated that.This doubt was confirmed when i went to her marriage 3 months later.

"I was waiting at Tulsi katte till 10p.m"she said when i was giving the gift to her.I saw in her eyes the hope that still something could happen.What she dint know was how escapist my mind was.

"Congratulations for your wedding and have a good life",i asserted as though i was some elderly person.These were the last words to her.Bhatta handed me a diary of hers on my way out.
"Keep it with you",he quipped with a sad look in his face.

When i went home and opened the diary,what was written in it choked me to tears.It gave an insight to her innermost feelings.She used to talk less but more than made it up in her diary.It had the details on her life till then.I saw how special i had become in her life.She was waiting for me to move forward.I just shut the diary with disgust and with it all the feelings i had for her.She was married and I had to respect that.This was no hindi movie for a happy ending all the time even in bizarre circumstances.

I thought then that i could never fall in love.First i did not want to,and now destiny did not want me to.Maybe i was born to become a good mama to all of my friend's children-"Uncle!!".I hated love songs on TV.Hated to see a couple so much in love and getting a chance to cherish it together.You can say i deliberately acted Devdas but the difference was that workahol had replaced alcohol.

This season of depression continued until one day i met Priya Seth!
in office.
She was a motormouth.Our thinking and personalities were like chalk and cheese.But as they say opposites attract.

We met on 31st december 2009,New Year's party in office:
She was recently shifted to our vertical to work on an image processing DiCom project.She was in the same team as me.Our team members were divided on pseudo modern and modern lifestyles.
She was the embodiment of everything i had hated in girls,or so i thought.I was bit of a chauvinist back then.

July 23rd 2015:TODAY
As i am writing this story, the invitation card of my wedding is being readied-"Jatin weds ...." is written in gold letters.Some memories flash through my mind.One of them caught my attention.I tried to remember it properly and....

FEELINGS-IV

It was my grandma.She requested us to go the temple and deliver some bags to my uncle who was a priest there.So Bhatta and me made our way up the 1001 algae laden steps to the temple on the hill top.I had almost forgotten the beauty that pervaded this place.All along the hills were neem and gulmohar trees intermittently covered with coconut trees.The dew on the leaves was still present even though it was approaching dusk.The green colour lay very symbolically before us and occupied the entire space as far as our radius of sight sent.When we reached the temple all the elements of nature were laid down as a feast for our eyes.On the left lay the arabian sea,on the right lay the mountains.

It was a huge difference for a guy from the 'oh-so' polluted city.As we were entering the main temple Divya was making her way out.Bhatta told that she used to come daily at this time.In that surrounding she looked like a Goddess.The white garland on her long locks,the carefully worn dress,the kumkum on her forehead,all created quite a stir in my mind.The bad memories of my previous experience were slowly being erased.She just smiled and went away.I wanted to talk with her,but her apparent indifference and Bhatta proved quite a hindrance.As she moved down the sound made by her sandals seemed like music."Was i losing myself in the maze called love again?".I dint know.

The next day while talking to my granny i was proudly telling her how i had gotten myself involved in social work.I also told her how i had toiled hard during my holidays to prevent a local corrupt corporator from winning back during the BBMP elections by distributing pamphlets and all.Grandma said that Divya also was like me.She was leading a campaign to fight the corrupt DC as he was not sanctioning the amount from the NREGS(for the unknowledged it is-National Rural Employement Guarantee Scheme) to the local youth which they were rightfully entitled to.

To be frank,i did not think much of the intellectual capital of village girls, only thinking of them as obliging belles.I dint know frail and pretty looking Divya was so strongly opinionated.Grandma told that Divya was going to "INTERETTU"(in her own village tone,so funny but yet so different )to collect knowledge on this and send some petitions to some "DODDA SAYABRU"(big person).I felt relieved. All the lurking doubts disappeared from my minds.I felt fascinated by the multiple layers of personality in this girl.

So the next day in the evening i left Grandma home early(so that i could lose pesty Bhatta) to catch up with Divya in the temple.When i reached there she had not yet come.She did finally come.I acted as though i was unaware of her presence.Praying in total bhakti and putting kumkum on my forehead(such a religious boy nah!!;)).Our eyes met,her 20 watt smile blinded my eye for a moment,atleast it seemed so(all srk movies effect).We talked that day.So much that it seemed we had never really lost touch at all.

This continued for a couple of days.One day grandma sent me on a chore to the town.I longed to see Divya that day but had to wait till evening.In the evening Bhatta,Divya and me decided to go to the beach.We made our way to the thatched room we had built as kids near to the beach.I was overjoyed to see it still standing.Of the three i felt very close to this one.Bhatta told that i should thank Divya for this,as she had taken care of it all these years.She used to tell him that Jatin is very affectionate about this.I felt good inside."She did all this for me!!WOW!!".

We ventured out to the waters.Played a lot.As it was prime raining season that time there was a slight drizzle.The weather was very romantic but BHATTAAA. Fortunately Bhatta was called by the local coconut tree climber for some work.We two were left alone but now strangely both felt a tinge of shyness,a little odd,cant really describe what.

It started raining heavily(you have to really experience the coastal rain)and we could somehow run fast and find shelter in the thatched room.Both of us sat at a distance.The rain was unrelenting and slowly our conversation veered towards what Bhatta had told about her maintaining this room.The talk started having a romantic and a flirtatious tone.The distance reduced between us.At this age our minds do waver.Raindrops trickled down our faces.There was definite sexual tension as the soft talk proceeded.Now our faces were near and our lips more.In a moment of weakness we were about to kiss when i heard Bhatta call my name from outside.

There was a long pause,we had frozen.Not able to comprehend what had just happened ,we sat in a stoned silence.I could not react,what to tell,what to say.She sat there almost on the verge of crying.Although nothing had happened i was able to understand the importance girls give to such things."JATINN!!!" .I was blasted into my senses. I came out and.....

FEELINGS-III

It was her.She had seen me at the door and subsequently my attempt to disappear.She came to the door and asked as to why i was leaving.I started mumbling some reason but i guess she knew.She might have understood me through our various conversations but this was to be the first face to face.I dint know it was also going to be the last.She introduced me to her fiance.He was working in a top MNC and her parents had arranged their 'milana'.

The meeting was very awkward for me especially because none of us knew why I was actually there.Sindhu dint know i was about to reveal my feelings,He dint know who i was and I was never sure anyway.The whole conversation petered around how they were introduced to each other and the romantic ballads he had written for her.

I wanted to get up and go as i was kicking myself for having made a fool myself.I dint know why she had agreed to meet up if she was busy with someone else.Why had she written that letter?So many questions but no one to answer.

After our 'rendezvous' with each other we all left to our rooms/homes.I watched them take off on their costly bike.I felt letdown by her.It only confirmed my notion that all girls were cosmetic.
She later pinged me on gtalk but i was in no mood to respond.

I felt cheated.I had always romanticised the movie scenes where the hero walks away dejected with his heart broken but never knew it hurts. I dint go online for some days after this.When i went online eventually i received some chat which was sent when i was offline.It was from her and wanted to talk.I sent back a mail saying "No,thank you!".I dint know why i was so rattled then that i sent a crude reply back.I came to regret this decision later in my life.Not then.Then i was just angry.Immature to handle it.My experience with a 'girl' had made me suspicious about their breed ,enough to make me cynical about everything love.

The entire semester passed and it was time to leave college.Hugs and tears on the last day as well as many goodbyes.I would not be able to meet some of my best friends regularly everyday.I would miss everything-the classroom,the daily chai at the bakery,the yampa gossips,pranks played on teachers.I had watched a movie on life in engineering,at the end of which the protagonist says it is going to be the beginning of days of responsibility.

I was nervous on how i would be able to handle it.The gap between the last day and my joining date in the company i was placed was a month and a half.During this time i felt very alone.Friends were busy in their own world and no one to share my innermost feelings.I decided that i would go to my native Kumta a remote village in the coastal area of Karnataka.The last time i had gone there was when i was in 6th standard.So wanted to see the change that had happened there and also to digress from my present mood.

23rd June:
After getting down from the bus in the morning i took an auto to my grandma' place.All through the route i was soaking in the fresh,unpolluted air,the amount of generosity Mother Nature had bestowed upon this village had entralled me before and still to this day continued.Nothing much had changed since the last time i was here.There were some notable ones though:a cable dish on most of the homes and boundary walls earlier made of thorns and cactus were now being replaced by concretized walls.

This was the change that i could perceive from outside.After i got to my grandma house I was amazed to see the change that had taken place there.Floors were now tiled,walls cemented and many other changes.After the customary grandma-grandson talk,I decided to walk around the vast acres of the estate.Green leaves,clear water,pure air-all the ingredients to forget our troubles and tribulations was there.

In the evening a girl came visiting to the house.My grandma asked whether i could identify her.I could not recollect who she was.Grandma told that she was Divya.This brought a rush of memories back to me.We used to play when we were little children.I used to call her 'soda batli' because she used to wear spectacles then.

Now she had changed so much that i could not recognize her.After a very shy sharing of complimentaries she proceeded to give a tin of butter she had brought.And immediately left.We had a lot to talk,lot of catching up to do,so the next day i went to her house.

Our families were very close friends.She had a brother whom we all used to lovingly call Bhatta. We both had troubled grandma a lot and played many other pranks whenever i used to go to my village.Divya was not there.After having to forcefully eat a lot of sweets given by doting aunty Bhatta offered to take me around.While going out Divya was just coming back to the house.I wanted to stay back but knowing Bhatta i dared not to refuse.

After sharing a brief glance with each other,I was taken to the village market.I saw an internet cafe on the way. I decided to check my mails as the joining date was nearing.Bhatta shouted in excitement whenever an ad or popup featuring an attractive girl wearing minimal clothing came up on the screen.I had to hush him down.He seemed very dazzled with the speed with which i wrote mails,sent as well as read some.He later said that i had become very "modern".He said that Divya also used to visit that cafe a lot,but he himself had never gone there.I again became suspicious about her.I thought "yet another one of my crushes has someone else in her life".I found it hard to deal with my trust bankrupt heart.

Later in the evening we made our way to the beach near grandma house.As we were about to go I heard my name called from behind.I turned back and.........